So Far So Good

Hello, I’m finally on break from design school for two weeks. Now for an update.

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I would have written this post sooner except on Sunday my window, goaded by wind gusts, decided to fall out & shatter onto the street. Now my window is cardboarded up & I’m waiting for it to be replaced; no idea when.

But I digress – this post is actually about how making friends became absurdly excruciating.

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Returning to polytech has been a godsend to me. I am very much enjoying communication design & feel like I’ve found my element:

• I storyboarded an idea I had floating around for a long time (I’ll make a post about this later).
• Been learning about various design movements, like Art Nouveau & Russian Constructivism.
• Been introduced to drawing tablets & currently have an animation assignment I’ll do over the next two weeks based on an old dream (again, this will be its own post).
• I’ve been (more) properly introduced to photography. Didn’t realize how much there was to portraits & how experimental you can be (got really into collage & cut-outs).

Perhaps the most significant aspect is that I seem to actually be making friends. I realize that probably sounds banal but, given my reclusive nature & the way my life has been going, its just… very nice to have this happen, even though I feel my behaviour just made things more difficult.

Before Study

Hello, I just felt like doing a random update since my course is starting next week:

• Still chipping away at a scanned image of my mythic bird design. The scanner doesn’t do a great job of digitizing my sketches, & I thought setting it to max contrast would be enough to give me a cleanish sketch, but instead I was left with fuzzy outlines. Since then I’ve been meticulously cleaning the lines so I can colour it. I guess this is why artists ink their lines first.

• Passed my car onto my brother so he may regularly get his daughter to childcare. I seem to be doing fine with non-car life so far.

• I’ve actually been using Twine to do some writing. I’ve even been plotting out some of my game ideas in it, since you can have stories function like games. I don’t have anything worth releasing at this time & I won’t promise that I will in the future. At present, this is just something for myself.

• I also felt like updating my About page.

Saharasha Scan WIP

Otherwise not much else. I’ve honestly been struggling to keep myself occupied until now, but doing art has helped. I’m just waiting for my course to start but I’m also feeling trepidation.

When I studied IT I didn’t try to make friends & I was in a more negative place about myself. I’ve improved since then but I wonder if history will repeat itself. Admittedly, one of the reasons for returning to study was so I could figure out where I want to go & the kind of people I belong with. If its just the same results again I’m not sure how I’d handle it now that I’m flatting (I at least had my parents last time). I guess I’m used to it at this point in life, but a change would be nice.

I’ll see how next week goes. I’m not sure how posting will go from now on, but if this course is as intensive as IT was you may not hear from me in a long while. Future posts will most likely be about whatever projects I do for design school.

Farewell.

Games & I

This post relates back to my 2016 retrospective. I’d advise reading this first.

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A question that has particular been on my mind is – how do I approach my aspirations in a way that is both fulfilling & ethical, yet realistic? How do I do this whilst holding to my own values?

Like the questions I had before, I don’t have a clear answer for this. To be fair, this post isn’t about looking for an answer but rather the affect this question had on me in regards to a major aspiration of mine.

You see, in 2016 a part of me gave up on my dream of making games. These are my reasons:

• Having knowledge that the world is more screwed then I thought, my wish to make games, & the kind of games I wanted to make, feel comparatively trivial & unimportant (that was a truly sad thought for me). A part of me feels obliged to help the world get truly better in some way. I’m still not sure how I can help but I don’t think providing another form of escapism is the way.

• I had reached a point where just thinking about making games brought about feelings of frustration, self-disappointment, & apathy. I’d tried many approaches that all lead to similar results, each one not able to account for my own shortcomings.

• I have an awful habit of stating I’ll do something & not actually doing it for whatever reason. I’ve become really sick of being that kind of guy. I’ve become hesitant to say I’ll do anything, unless I seem to be already doing it.

• I’ve known for a long time that its difficult to get into the games industry, & that surviving or even making a living from it is even more difficult. Hell, I know how difficult it can be just to try & make one game, I’ve been trying to do it alone since graduating in 2013. I admit the task has only become more daunting over time.

• I like games, but I’ve become disgusted with the mainstream games industry. Cultural toxicity aside, it’s market driven nature has become more apparent to me. Any regard for experimentation, artistic expression, & the effects of the medium is seemingly relegated to indies, small studios, & critics, since everyone else is comfortable with games “just being games”. I feel like this point alone is worthy of it’s own post (I know, more to write about!).

November Life Update – Cutting Back

Hello, I know it’s December now but this update is about things that happened last month. Besides, I might end up doing one more update before the end of the year.

It feels like I’ve delayed this update too much so there’s a fair amount of things I want to cover & try to recall.

Quick summary for those with little time:

• Been thinking about my dreams & if I can ethically justify them in the context of the world at large (something I’ll delve into on a separate post).

• I’ve had two sets of random guests stay over at my flat briefly. I’ll be talking about the first pair (the second largely kept to themselves).

• Cancelled my D&D campaign.

• I’ve taken a different approach to my game projects, & now I’ve found myself actually sticking to a project for once (yay!).

• I also finally got around to getting most of these questions up in front of my house.

Thoughts on Relationships: Part 2 – Conflict

Hello, I feel compelled to get these out of the way so the next parts are coming sooner then anticipated.

When I looked back at the last part today I realized something – I’m probably using difference as an excuse to not try.

There is truth in what I said, but some people do genuinely try to look past these differences. Like myself, people would rather have good relationships then bad ones, so they tend to tolerate the shortcomings of others if they feel it’s worth it.

Maybe I’m just terrible at making a good impression (if we met in person you’d probably just regard me as some silent closed-off dude who struggles with communication). Maybe I just need to acknowledge a simpler truth; that many others may share my sentiments. Maybe it’s a sign I have less tolerance then I’d like to have.

The point is I have to take some ownership of this. I have to acknowledge that how I act & think affects those around me. After all, I’m the common denominator.

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So if difference is an excuse, what is the real reason then? Well, it’s quite simple – I’m still fundamentally afraid to share myself with others.

I’m still afraid to let people know who I am. I’m still afraid of people disliking true aspects of myself. I’m still afraid to be hurt.

I’m still afraid to voice an honest opinion in front of strangers & people I know will think differently. Perhaps precisely because my thoughts & opinions tend to differ from theirs, no matter how ‘correct’ I may think myself to be.

September Life Update – Game Time

Hello, I thought I’d end up writing about the uncertainty of my job as my contract ended yesterday, but now I have good news. For those who haven’t kept up with my work situation, or forgot, I’d advise reading July & August before reading the next part.

My boss has presented his case about the future & value of my team (& my own role) to his own boss &, from what I can tell, he has no problem with me going part-time. Now we’re just waiting for those above him to approve. This could take a while since apparently there’s a backlog of matters they must see to first.

In the meantime, he has given me a 3 month extension on a part-time basis. I haven’t received any actual paperwork for this yet, but it’s agreed between us that my standard days for the rest of this year starting next week are Tuesday, Wednesday, & Thursday; with days changing to suit the needs of the team as they arise.

So yep, it’s kinda official now – I’m no longer working full-time. Yeays!!

August Life Update – Not Quite Yet?

Hello, I actually wrote this out in a single afternoon.

This month I’ve become more weary of working full-time & was looking forward to a change in situation, but this last week has been kinda weird for me in an oddly ironic way.

My contract was set to end this coming week & it occurred to me that I hadn’t taken any leave since April. I’d asked about the leave I’d accumulated & was advised to simply sit on it for now. The policy is I’d be paid out for any annual leave I haven’t taken, but this wasn’t the case for sick leave. I’d been advised to simply use it since I hadn’t actually taken any sick days. My plan was to use it to make this current weekend extra long & go visit my parents + dogs in Te Anau again.

Well, this past week my body decided now was the time of the year to be sick.

July Life Update – Changes for the Better

Hello, I’m going to try & make this concise since there’s a lot I want to bring up.

A quick overview for those low on time:

• Work – my old boss returned & changes are happening + temp contract ending next month. I also made an offer with him; if he wants to keep me.

• D&D – need to actually put into action the campaign I’ve been planning all this time (yes I’m terrible  😛 ). May keep my word of posting about it next time.

• Health – taking action to cut down & change my diet. Going dairy-free & reducing sugar intake.

• Return to Game Dev – I made a simulation demo in Unity based on an old assignment & I have more assignments I’m planning on re-imagining.

Permission to Post Less

Hello, I feel it’s time to change something about how I do this blog, which may be reflected in how its been going lately.

You see I’m at the stage in my life where people I’ve known from tertiary study & earlier are now leaving my life, & I’m also at the stage where I need to decide where I go. Cool people I’ve met in recent years, & some I’ve known for the majority of my life, are gone now. In actuality I’ve been at this stage for the past couple of years but now I feel it drawing to a close.

My basic plan is to move on to a different city in the next year or so, somewhere I have a better opportunity to pursue my goals. While progress on that has stalled at the moment, I know I must get onto that very soon, even if part of me doesn’t really want to.

The key reason I’ve been so avoidant of this is because once I move my time with my friends will be over. I feel that I am on the verge of losing the last people I have a connection with, & I know how rare it is for me to find such people. I know this is the only period of time I have left with these people which is why my wish to become an indie game creator feels so secondary right now. I know it feels like a poor excuse but part of me feels I can’t truly get started on that until I’ve left them.

What I’m getting at is I feel I need to do the following:

1. Enjoy the time I have with my friends.
2. Continue to work on my aspirations but don’t worry if my progress is slow or non-existent; once I’ve moved on I can work on these in earnest.
3. Break my personal rule of “one post per weekend” to free up time for both of the above.

Closing 2015 + Reflection

Hello, I’m on leave, & I’m back in Te Anau where I’m free to be as lazy as I want to be – until I return home & immediately start moving. Its great to be somewhere I don’t need to do things.

I’m looking forward to the move. Not only will I be in a nicer neighbourhood & in a roomier flat that used to be a convenience store, I’ll be around mostly different people. I’ll go from flatmates that largely favoured music to flatmates that have more academic, gamer, geeky interests. People that are more like me I guess, even though I love music as well. I’ll also be a couple blocks away from the public gardens (yay nature). It’ll be a nice change of scene for me.

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This seems to have been the year where I finally started to find my feet. I’ve changed a lot over the past year mentally & personally.