So Far So Good

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Hello, I’m finally on break from design school for two weeks. Now for an update.


I would have written this post sooner except on Sunday my window, goaded by wind gusts, decided to fall out & shatter onto the street. Now my window is cardboarded up & I’m waiting for it to be replaced; no idea when.

But I digress – this post is actually about how making friends became absurdly excruciating.


Returning to polytech has been a godsend to me. I am very much enjoying communication design & feel like I’ve found my element:

  • I storyboarded an idea I had floating around for a long time (I’ll make a post about this later).
  • Been learning about various design movements, like Art Nouveau & Russian Constructivism.
  • Been introduced to drawing tablets & currently have an animation assignment I’ll do over the next two weeks based on an old dream (again, this will be its own post).
  • I’ve been (more) properly introduced to photography. Didn’t realize how much there was to portraits & how experimental you can be (got really into collage & cut-outs).

Perhaps the most significant aspect is that I seem to actually be making friends. I realize that probably sounds banal but, given my reclusive nature & the way my life has been going, its just… very nice to have this happen, even though I feel my behaviour just made things more difficult. Continue reading

Existential Recurrence & Purpose

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This is a post I’ve rewritten over and over again. I’ve thought about making this shorter but I feel the length is necessary for understanding this.

This post serves two purposes for me:

  1. As a complete record of the process, thus this is going to be a long & thorough post (perhaps the longest single post I’ve written).
  2. As a self reminder for reasons I’ll explain at the end.

In keeping with this theme I’ll be referencing things I’ve written about before, so I can understand if you want to skip this. I’m sick of this recurring as well.


First off, something I forgot to add to an earlier post which also applies here.

The wish for death can be exacerbated by a long accumulation of painful moments, memories & associations where all viable alternatives have failed. This tiring slog can be made more hopeless when you are unable to properly communicate the suffering to another caring soul. Even when you can, no amount of understanding with the wrong people can truly solve such predicaments. The process may even lead to self alienation.

It can be caused by their inability to find a compelling solution to their existential horror, or their own cyclic frame of thinking. Sometimes it’s both. It’s hard to consolidate the later when you’re stuck with the first.


My life has lost clarity.

I’ve become too painfully aware of my own recurring actions & results, all of which have seemingly lead to stagnation. I don’t know what alternative action to take, & to continue as I have is just insanity. It’s broken me.

I stopped because there was no point to it – only to dive deep into a marginally different recurrence.

See, I know that being disciplined about my wishes & balancing my needs are key to living a good life, but why should I? Why should I affirm my life & continue through guaranteed suffering? To what point & purpose am I living for? Continue reading

Thoughts on Relationships: Part 3 – Identity

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Hello, I said these last two parts wouldn’t be bigger than part 1 – seems I lied.


A few days ago I felt compelled to ask my cousin a question. The dialogue went something like this:

Me: “Would you say that you are someone who highly values other people?”

Cousin: “Yeah definitely.”

Me: “Why?”

He pondered this for a moment before giving his answer. His reasons were:

  1. He’s really ingrained with the people he knows.
  2. He uses social interactions as a way of learning about himself.

This last point surprised me; it’s not something I’ve considered. I’m really used to the idea of internally analyzing myself in order to discern ‘who I truly am’ since no one else is capable of giving an accurate holistic picture; only the person living my life can do that.

Yet when I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. We all have our own internal idea of who we are, but until we interact with another person, & have it challenged, that idea is just a fantasy. Other people can make us think about aspects of ourselves we have never considered.


I guess that ties back into what started this whole train of thought – I don’t like what my interactions with people have told me. The messages I tend to receive are:

  • My default instinct is to wall myself off from others.
  • People can interact with each other just fine, but they have trouble interacting with me.
  • People have a lot to offer me, but I don’t have much to offer them.
  • There’s still a lot more I need to learn & experience.
  • I’m a good diligent guy, yet I’m no fun to talk to.

Given that context, it seems understandable now why I would prefer to isolation myself sometimes, no matter how bad I may want someone with me. Guess I’m more emotional then I seem to be. Continue reading

Thoughts on Relationships: Part 2 – Conflict

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Hello, I feel compelled to get these out of the way so the next parts are coming sooner then anticipated.

When I looked back at the last part today I realized something – I’m probably using difference as an excuse to not try.

There is truth in what I said, but some people do genuinely try to look past these differences. Like myself, people would rather have good relationships then bad ones, so they tend to tolerate the shortcomings of others if they feel it’s worth it.

Maybe I’m just terrible at making a good impression (if we met in person you’d probably just regard me as some silent closed-off dude who struggles with communication). Maybe I just need to acknowledge a simpler truth; that many others may share my sentiments. Maybe it’s a sign I have less tolerance then I’d like to have.

The point is I have to take some ownership of this. I have to acknowledge that how I act & think affects those around me. After all, I’m the common denominator.


So if difference is an excuse, what is the real reason then? Well, it’s quite simple – I’m still fundamentally afraid to share myself with others.

I’m still afraid to let people know who I am. I’m still afraid of people disliking true aspects of myself. I’m still afraid to be hurt.

I’m still afraid to voice an honest opinion in front of strangers & people I know will think differently. Perhaps precisely because my thoughts & opinions tend to differ from theirs, no matter how ‘correct’ I may think myself to be. Continue reading

Thoughts on Relationships: Part 1 – Difference

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Hello, I have another internal ramble I need to let out. It got really long so I’m turning it into a mini series of posts.

I realize after my last upbeat post, about charging into creative projects, that this isn’t what you would expect from me so soon, but I’ve been having old thoughts return to me & I need to attend to them. I’m afraid this is one of the cons of following this blog; you get someone who has troubled times.

I guess it started when I went to see my parents in Te Anau a fortnight ago. As much as I enjoyed seeing them (plus the dogs) again, about a day later I found myself feeling troubled. I wanted to try to explain to them what was going on but my mind has a way of locking up when trying to confide in people.

On the surface, I guess I’ve grown to dislike some aspects surrounding their lifestyle (like seeing & being disgusted with TV again. I admit that was when these thoughts were more prevalent), though I want to say it ties into a deeper concern.

I think being around them again made me realize how much I’d changed since living with them. Since moving out I’ve ended up in a flat with people who are more like myself. I’ve learned more about the world & society, which has affected my own ideology. I’ve also made good strides in accepting who I am as a person.

Yet, despite how much I love them, being around them was another reminder of how I’m seemingly ‘too different’ then most people. I realize this is an over generalization, & yes this is to be expected with something as insanely diverse as humanity, but what happens when you get that sense with virtually everyone you meet? Continue reading

Approaches to Impending Problems

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Hello, apparently this blog has been around for 2 years now – wow  :o.

Last time I said that I would write about an important topic, so here it is – what to do about major, seemingly inevitable, problems that have no clear solution &, if left alone, will lead to disaster. This isn’t me telling you what approach you should take, rather this is a short musing of how people tend to approach them, & perhaps get you to think about your own actions.

I originally was going to explain how this came about, but that ballooned into several hundred words; enough for it’s own post. For the sake of saving time & getting to the real point, here’s a summary of some concerns from the past few months:

  • Knowing for a long time that there’s something very wrong with the world, but only recently getting an idea of how bad it is. If we keep going this way mankind will destroy itself in a few generations (if we haven’t already doomed ourselves to this fate).
  • Discovering what neoliberalism is, the effects of it, & how it permeates virtually everything in our global society today.
  • What my life is now, what I want to do with it, & what effect it could have on the world.

In coming to terms with such things, I’ve realized there’s about four broad approaches to seemingly inevitable major problems:

  • Ignorance – you avoid the problem.
  • Despair – you give up hope in finding a good solution.
  • Self – you focus on your own well-being.
  • Consideration – you try for the best possible solution.

Let me explain a bit more. Continue reading

November Life Update – Mind In Flux

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Hello, I got a couple of things I want to talk about.

Since I started working towards changing my mind to be more confident, my mind has been more chaotic than usual. I’m not entirely sure what’s been going on but the end results are looking good. Continue reading

Thoughts on Myself – Aspirations

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Hello, this is going to be a very personal post (also I just realized this is my 100th post published. I seriously wasn’t planning on having it be about this; oh well).

Lately I’ve been doing some serious thinking about my life & what I want to achieve. Specifically, I’m a dude who wants to make games for a living & do it well. I want to create a variety of high quality games & stories, invent entire worlds for people to explore & play around in, have my own style that differs from the norm, & have my work get people thinking (I regard this last point as a trait of excellent art). I have some tough ambitions.

I’ve been taking a look at the person I am & asking “can I honestly do this?” I think I can (there’s no question that it is possible for me to accomplish them) but not as the person I am right now. There are some crucial attributes getting in the way, & its time I start changing this. Continue reading

Major Job Hunt Woes

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I know, another “life” post, but that’s because I had a moment recently where I realized how dire my job hunt situation is. It’s almost unreal how much bad luck I’m having right now. Let me explain.

In October last year I quit my job working night-fill due to contact dermatitis caused by my work environment. I went to WINZ & was put on the benefit. I’ve been job hunting since. Six months later, with poor results, I start attending fortnightly obligatory meet-ups aimed at helping my search. I was soon assigned to a couple of job brokers, given 12 weeks to help me get a job. A few weeks later, they admit they’re as lost as I am on what jobs I should go for.

Why has job hunting been so fucking difficult? Two main reasons: dermatitis & stuttering. Continue reading

Past Choices, Present Consequences

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Hello

The WINZ job hunt meet-up was different than I expected. I was led to believe I would have to present evidence of my hunt & hope I did enough for them to be sated, but they didn’t even ask about our results. Instead it’s more of a job hunt workshop, which is pleasantly surprising. I think it’s a new programme in association with WINZ geared towards people in my age bracket.

But there’s something that made me think about my future beyond the current ‘getting any job I can’ thing. In my group of six, half of us were IT graduates. As one of them said whilst explaining his situation, the problem is IT is a fast paced industry. You’re expected to go straight into an internship when you graduate, except in NZ pretty much all of them are in Auckland (I hate Auckland).

I can support his claim. At least half of all NZ graduate IT job adverts I’ve seen are based in Auckland, & virtually every single ad has this line: “must be a recent graduate or junior _”. I’m still just a graduate, & I’m definitely not recent. So this has made me wonder, yet again, have I screwed myself just because I wanted to take a break from IT?

This is a look at my choices pertaining tertiary study & after graduation (prepare for a long read). Continue reading