Hello, I have another internal ramble I need to let out. It got really long so I’m turning it into a mini series of posts.
I realize after my last upbeat post, about charging into creative projects, that this isn’t what you would expect from me so soon, but I’ve been having old thoughts return to me & I need to attend to them. I’m afraid this is one of the cons of following this blog; you get someone who has troubled times.
I guess it started when I went to see my parents in Te Anau a fortnight ago. As much as I enjoyed seeing them (plus the dogs) again, about a day later I found myself feeling troubled. I wanted to try to explain to them what was going on but my mind has a way of locking up when trying to confide in people.
On the surface, I guess I’ve grown to dislike some aspects surrounding their lifestyle (like seeing & being disgusted with TV again. I admit that was when these thoughts were more prevalent), though I want to say it ties into a deeper concern.
I think being around them again made me realize how much I’d changed since living with them. Since moving out I’ve ended up in a flat with people who are more like myself. I’ve learned more about the world & society, which has affected my own ideology. I’ve also made good strides in accepting who I am as a person.
Yet, despite how much I love them, being around them was another reminder of how I’m seemingly ‘too different’ then most people. I realize this is an over generalization, & yes this is to be expected with something as insanely diverse as humanity, but what happens when you get that sense with virtually everyone you meet?
In many ways, I prefer being an unusual person (it’s far more interesting than being ‘normal’ 🙂 ). To me, choosing to be different is a sign of individuality & a sign you have the courage/comfort to be what you are. It shows that there are different ways to live & lets you think about how you could make your own life better. Besides, it’s in my nature to be an oddball.
However I find that the more you differ the harder it is to make a connection. Without common ground it feels like you have little reason or desire to be around another person. I should know; I seem to be struggling to connect with anyone.
I suppose this stems from a retained sense of being the outsider; the one that doesn’t really belong anywhere.
These days I get this sense pretty often, particularly when paired up with someone for whatever reason. You don’t hate anything about them (hell they could be nice, charismatic, or appealing), yet you just know that you’re not able to connect. You’re not interested in the same things, your opinions conflict too much, or you just don’t click. You can try to be open, courteous, & understand what makes them like what they like, but that only goes so far when you don’t feel the same way.
You’re just… too different.
A part of me feels like I should try to do more. At least try to learn why people like something I’m not interested in, but at the same time I shouldn’t feel forced to like something. Acceptance & being open seems to be the only course.
Then again, there are many cases of people liking things that I have good reason to dislike, but I’ll save that for the next post.
For those wondering, there are two more, mostly written, parts. One is about conflict, the other about identity, & I think they’ll be shorter then this post. I may get them done fairly soon depending on other priorities & how I’m feeling (just getting this one done seems to have been therapeutic enough).