Hello, I’m finally on break from design school for two weeks. Now for an update.
I would have written this post sooner except on Sunday my window, goaded by wind gusts, decided to fall out & shatter onto the street. Now my window is cardboarded up & I’m waiting for it to be replaced; no idea when.
But I digress – this post is actually about how making friends became absurdly excruciating.
Returning to polytech has been a godsend to me. I am very much enjoying communication design & feel like I’ve found my element:
I storyboarded an idea I had floating around for a long time (I’ll make a post about this later).
Been learning about various design movements, like Art Nouveau & Russian Constructivism.
Been introduced to drawing tablets & currently have an animation assignment I’ll do over the next two weeks based on an old dream (again, this will be its own post).
I’ve been (more) properly introduced to photography. Didn’t realize how much there was to portraits & how experimental you can be (got really into collage & cut-outs).
Perhaps the most significant aspect is that I seem to actually be making friends. I realize that probably sounds banal but, given my reclusive nature & the way my life has been going, its just… very nice to have this happen, even though I feel my behaviour just made things more difficult.Continue reading
This is a post I’ve rewritten over and over again. I’ve thought about making this shorter but I feel the length is necessary for understanding this.
This post serves two purposes for me:
As a complete record of the process, thus this is going to be a long & thorough post (perhaps the longest single post I’ve written).
As a self reminder for reasons I’ll explain at the end.
In keeping with this theme I’ll be referencing things I’ve written about before, so I can understand if you want to skip this. I’m sick of this recurring as well.
First off, something I forgot to add to an earlier post which also applies here.
The wish for death can be exacerbated by a long accumulation of painful moments, memories & associations where all viable alternatives have failed. This tiring slog can be made more hopeless when you are unable to properly communicate the suffering to another caring soul. Even when you can, no amount of understanding with the wrong people can truly solve such predicaments. The process may even lead to self alienation.
It can be caused by their inability to find a compelling solution to their existential horror, or their own cyclic frame of thinking. Sometimes it’s both. It’s hard to consolidate the later when you’re stuck with the first.
My life has lost clarity.
I’ve become too painfully aware of my own recurring actions & results, all of which have seemingly lead to stagnation. I don’t know what alternative action to take, & to continue as I have is just insanity. It’s broken me.
I stopped because there was no point to it – only to dive deep into a marginally different recurrence.
See, I know that being disciplined about my wishes & balancing my needs are key to living a good life, but why should I? Why should I affirm my life & continue through guaranteed suffering? To what point & purpose am I living for?Continue reading
Whelp, this took way too long. This is not a review of world events in 2016; just my own reflection on what I’ve been learning & how that’s affected me.
2016 has been a year of further complex realizations. Before I’d been musing on how my own thoughts & actions can effect myself & others. Since moving to my current flat, my thoughts have broadened to systems & ideologies that may affect us all.
I’ve been learning concepts related to socio-politics & philosophy, as well as figures & movements within these topics. I’ve gained some familiarity with concepts like Post-Modernism, Socialism, Neoliberalism, Subjectivity, Cultural Hegemony, & Hyperrealism; even Veganism. I’ve gained some familiarity with names like Marx, Nietzsche, Sartre, Focault, Kierkegaard, Camus, & Hegel; plus some modern names like Chomsky & Zizek. These topics & names have provided a lot of insight & new ideas that I would love to see more media & stories explore (I’ve gained a new found appreciation for the ones that do). It helps that over half my flatmates study &/or have an avid interest in these topics & are quite happy to talk about them.
Side note: a flatmate actually compared my thinking to Hegel’s philosophies. It’s weird having your personal philosophy supposedly match a philosopher you were completely unaware of just months ago.
Yet, I’m still quite clueless as ever. I’ve been introduced to these terms & given a basic idea of what most of them are about, yet I feel I don’t have a true understanding of them.
If anything, what I’ve learned has a tendency to throw me off. About every month or two I seem to learn something that makes me question my assumptions & “what I should do”; all in the backdrop of a wider world & global system that I’ve known to be messed up, yet I keep discovering new perspectives that make it apparently bleaker then I thought. I’ve come to learn that the best information may very well be the knowledge & questions that deconstruct & challenge your foundations.Continue reading
A few days ago I felt compelled to ask my cousin a question. The dialogue went something like this:
Me: “Would you say that you are someone who highly values other people?”
Cousin: “Yeah definitely.”
He pondered this for a moment before giving his answer. His reasons were:
He’s really ingrained with the people he knows.
He uses social interactions as a way of learning about himself.
This last point surprised me; it’s not something I’ve considered. I’m really used to the idea of internally analyzing myself in order to discern ‘who I truly am’ since no one else is capable of giving an accurate holistic picture; only the person living my life can do that.
Yet when I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. We all have our own internal idea of who we are, but until we interact with another person, & have it challenged, that idea is just a fantasy. Other people can make us think about aspects of ourselves we have never considered.
I guess that ties back into what started this whole train of thought – I don’t like what my interactions with people have told me. The messages I tend to receive are:
My default instinct is to wall myself off from others.
People can interact with each other just fine, but they have trouble interacting with me.
People have a lot to offer me, but I don’t have much to offer them.
There’s still a lot more I need to learn & experience.
I’m a good diligent guy, yet I’m no fun to talk to.
Given that context, it seems understandable now why I would prefer to isolation myself sometimes, no matter how bad I may want someone with me. Guess I’m more emotional then I seem to be.Continue reading
Hello, I feel compelled to get these out of the way so the next parts are coming sooner then anticipated.
When I looked back at the last part today I realized something – I’m probably using difference as an excuse to not try.
There is truth in what I said, but some people do genuinely try to look past these differences. Like myself, people would rather have good relationships then bad ones, so they tend to tolerate the shortcomings of others if they feel it’s worth it.
Maybe I’m just terrible at making a good impression (if we met in person you’d probably just regard me as some silent closed-off dude who struggles with communication). Maybe I just need to acknowledge a simpler truth; that many others may share my sentiments. Maybe it’s a sign I have less tolerance then I’d like to have.
The point is I have to take some ownership of this. I have to acknowledge that how I act & think affects those around me. After all, I’m the common denominator.
So if difference is an excuse, what is the real reason then? Well, it’s quite simple – I’m still fundamentally afraid to share myself with others.
I’m still afraid to let people know who I am. I’m still afraid of people disliking true aspects of myself. I’m still afraid to be hurt.
I’m still afraid to voice an honest opinion in front of strangers & people I know will think differently. Perhaps precisely because my thoughts & opinions tend to differ from theirs, no matter how ‘correct’ I may think myself to be.Continue reading
Hello, I have another internal ramble I need to let out. It got really long so I’m turning it into a mini series of posts.
I realize after my last upbeat post, about charging into creative projects, that this isn’t what you would expect from me so soon, but I’ve been having old thoughts return to me & I need to attend to them. I’m afraid this is one of the cons of following this blog; you get someone who has troubled times.
I guess it started when I went to see my parents in Te Anau a fortnight ago. As much as I enjoyed seeing them (plus the dogs) again, about a day later I found myself feeling troubled. I wanted to try to explain to them what was going on but my mind has a way of locking up when trying to confide in people.
On the surface, I guess I’ve grown to dislike some aspects surrounding their lifestyle (like seeing & being disgusted with TV again. I admit that was when these thoughts were more prevalent), though I want to say it ties into a deeper concern.
I think being around them again made me realize how much I’d changed since living with them. Since moving out I’ve ended up in a flat with people who are more like myself. I’ve learned more about the world & society, which has affected my own ideology. I’ve also made good strides in accepting who I am as a person.
Yet, despite how much I love them, being around them was another reminder of how I’m seemingly ‘too different’ then most people. I realize this is an over generalization, & yes this is to be expected with something as insanely diverse as humanity, but what happens when you get that sense with virtually everyone you meet?Continue reading
Hello, feels like it’s been too long since I did a post, though I didn’t want to write one until I returned to a better head space. There were also err… “plumbing issues” this week but I don’t think anyone wants to hear about that :/.
I essentially spent the bulk of May having a bit of an existential crisis & I lost hope in my own future. I knew what I wanted, but also didn’t really know (does that makes sense?). I knew what I didn’t want in my life & the world around me, but I had no idea what to do about it. I was feeling confused, muddled, aggravated, trapped, lost, hopeless, & helpless. I doubted everything & got further aggravated as no good solution would come to mind.
The main reason for all of this is because I believed I only had two paths forward in life:
I do nothing, just let my temp job expire, go back to being on the benefit, &… nothing happens.
I get an IT job doing something I don’t like, become more ingrained in the machine, & become miserable in the business world; a world I loath. The “smart” path that secures me financially but also seemingly secures my despair.
I just needed an alternative path, & I think I needed someone to tell me I didn’t have to take either of these paths (thanks mum).Continue reading
Note: I wrote most of this back in Te Anau during December. With the flat I’m in now I’m definitely playing more games, or at least playing Dark Souls. Seems a change in environment really helped :P.
The last time someone asked me what games I play I felt worried. In fact, this question has made me feel worry over the past several years no matter who it is that asks it. I guess this is because people tend to assume things about you based on the games you play, but there’s also another reason.
While I consider myself a gamer, I was barely playing games for a while. I couldn’t simply name what games I was playing because the times between play sessions felt distant. The actual play sessions themselves felt so short because I’d spend most of the time nitpicking something, like finding/installing mods or getting online multiplayer to actually work. I’m way more likely to watch a let’s play or look up design in games then to actually play them myself. It kinda makes me feel like a fraud in some weird way.Continue reading
Hello, I’m on leave, & I’m back in Te Anau where I’m free to be as lazy as I want to be – until I return home & immediately start moving. Its great to be somewhere I don’t need to do things.
I’m looking forward to the move. Not only will I be in a nicer neighbourhood & in a roomier flat that used to be a convenience store, I’ll be around mostly different people. I’ll go from flatmates that largely favoured music to flatmates that have more academic, gamer, geeky interests. People that are more like me I guess, even though I love music as well. I’ll also be a couple blocks away from the public gardens (yay nature). It’ll be a nice change of scene for me.
This seems to have been the year where I finally started to find my feet. I’ve changed a lot over the past year mentally & personally.Continue reading
Hello, I got a couple of things I want to talk about.
Since I started working towards changing my mind to be more confident, my mind has been more chaotic than usual. I’m not entirely sure what’s been going on but the end results are looking good.Continue reading