Hello, I’m finally on break from design school for two weeks. Now for an update.
I would have written this post sooner except on Sunday my window, goaded by wind gusts, decided to fall out & shatter onto the street. Now my window is cardboarded up & I’m waiting for it to be replaced; no idea when.
But I digress – this post is actually about how making friends became absurdly excruciating.
Returning to polytech has been a godsend to me. I am very much enjoying communication design & feel like I’ve found my element:
I storyboarded an idea I had floating around for a long time (I’ll make a post about this later).
Been learning about various design movements, like Art Nouveau & Russian Constructivism.
Been introduced to drawing tablets & currently have an animation assignment I’ll do over the next two weeks based on an old dream (again, this will be its own post).
I’ve been (more) properly introduced to photography. Didn’t realize how much there was to portraits & how experimental you can be (got really into collage & cut-outs).
Perhaps the most significant aspect is that I seem to actually be making friends. I realize that probably sounds banal but, given my reclusive nature & the way my life has been going, its just… very nice to have this happen, even though I feel my behaviour just made things more difficult.Continue reading
A few days ago I felt compelled to ask my cousin a question. The dialogue went something like this:
Me: “Would you say that you are someone who highly values other people?”
Cousin: “Yeah definitely.”
He pondered this for a moment before giving his answer. His reasons were:
He’s really ingrained with the people he knows.
He uses social interactions as a way of learning about himself.
This last point surprised me; it’s not something I’ve considered. I’m really used to the idea of internally analyzing myself in order to discern ‘who I truly am’ since no one else is capable of giving an accurate holistic picture; only the person living my life can do that.
Yet when I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. We all have our own internal idea of who we are, but until we interact with another person, & have it challenged, that idea is just a fantasy. Other people can make us think about aspects of ourselves we have never considered.
I guess that ties back into what started this whole train of thought – I don’t like what my interactions with people have told me. The messages I tend to receive are:
My default instinct is to wall myself off from others.
People can interact with each other just fine, but they have trouble interacting with me.
People have a lot to offer me, but I don’t have much to offer them.
There’s still a lot more I need to learn & experience.
I’m a good diligent guy, yet I’m no fun to talk to.
Given that context, it seems understandable now why I would prefer to isolation myself sometimes, no matter how bad I may want someone with me. Guess I’m more emotional then I seem to be.Continue reading
Hello, I feel compelled to get these out of the way so the next parts are coming sooner then anticipated.
When I looked back at the last part today I realized something – I’m probably using difference as an excuse to not try.
There is truth in what I said, but some people do genuinely try to look past these differences. Like myself, people would rather have good relationships then bad ones, so they tend to tolerate the shortcomings of others if they feel it’s worth it.
Maybe I’m just terrible at making a good impression (if we met in person you’d probably just regard me as some silent closed-off dude who struggles with communication). Maybe I just need to acknowledge a simpler truth; that many others may share my sentiments. Maybe it’s a sign I have less tolerance then I’d like to have.
The point is I have to take some ownership of this. I have to acknowledge that how I act & think affects those around me. After all, I’m the common denominator.
So if difference is an excuse, what is the real reason then? Well, it’s quite simple – I’m still fundamentally afraid to share myself with others.
I’m still afraid to let people know who I am. I’m still afraid of people disliking true aspects of myself. I’m still afraid to be hurt.
I’m still afraid to voice an honest opinion in front of strangers & people I know will think differently. Perhaps precisely because my thoughts & opinions tend to differ from theirs, no matter how ‘correct’ I may think myself to be.Continue reading
Hello, I have another internal ramble I need to let out. It got really long so I’m turning it into a mini series of posts.
I realize after my last upbeat post, about charging into creative projects, that this isn’t what you would expect from me so soon, but I’ve been having old thoughts return to me & I need to attend to them. I’m afraid this is one of the cons of following this blog; you get someone who has troubled times.
I guess it started when I went to see my parents in Te Anau a fortnight ago. As much as I enjoyed seeing them (plus the dogs) again, about a day later I found myself feeling troubled. I wanted to try to explain to them what was going on but my mind has a way of locking up when trying to confide in people.
On the surface, I guess I’ve grown to dislike some aspects surrounding their lifestyle (like seeing & being disgusted with TV again. I admit that was when these thoughts were more prevalent), though I want to say it ties into a deeper concern.
I think being around them again made me realize how much I’d changed since living with them. Since moving out I’ve ended up in a flat with people who are more like myself. I’ve learned more about the world & society, which has affected my own ideology. I’ve also made good strides in accepting who I am as a person.
Yet, despite how much I love them, being around them was another reminder of how I’m seemingly ‘too different’ then most people. I realize this is an over generalization, & yes this is to be expected with something as insanely diverse as humanity, but what happens when you get that sense with virtually everyone you meet?Continue reading