Good, the title didn’t scare you off. I guess this is what my last post was meant to touch on.
This post is both an outside account of my flatmate’s attempted suicide & my thoughts on the topic. If you want his own perspective on the experience he has written a post about it.
I feel I’ve left this post too late as the suicide attempt seems like just an uneasy memory now; even the guy himself seems “meh” about it. Also I’ve somehow perked myself back into taking some action over the past week rather then being mopey. Odd since (spoiler alert) I still don’t have a “real reason” for living & I keep getting signs I’m not just suddenly better, if my mentally restless evenings are anything to go by. This I’ll talk about later.
Suddenly it’s like writing these posts is the most important thing to do in my life.
Since late March, the flatmate had brought up thoughts about committing suicide. We have been feeling concerned about him, yet the reality of it didn’t seem to seep in until he did something a month later.
I came home from work (apparently 20 minutes after he left the house). Komm, Süsser Tod was left on repeat; it wasn’t until ten minutes later that I thought about the implication of that song. When I asked about it I was directed towards a note he left. We realized pretty quickly that we had no idea where to search for him. The whole evening I just felt very uneasy.
We contacted his parents who checked in at the flat. They basically confirmed our thoughts, in an oddly jovial manner, “there is nothing we can do”.
Regardless we as a flat felt the need to search the suburbs anyway, though I soon returned home since no one was there in case he turned up & I didn’t have the footwear for meandering the nearby woods. Later we found out he turned up at hospital, still alive.
The day after I still felt uneasy until I saw him back home. Everyone was just hanging out & he was fine. I couldn’t help but think – was that it? I can’t tell if I should treat everyone’s amiable dismissal of the event as oddly unsettling or oddly sensible.
Part of my unease comes from my own conflict with the subject & being unsure of how to handle it. I’ve told him that I don’t want him to commit suicide, but I’ve also told him that I can’t stop him if he truly wants to do so. He is the one who has to live his life & decide how much value it has to him. I know it’s not a popular stance to take, & I by no means want to encourage suicide, but I cannot deny someone that choice.
Hell if I could make it happen, my choice of death would probably be to strap myself to a rocket set to blow-up in space. Goodbye earth, hello cosmos.
I can understand prevention if it applies to someone who is in an awful emotional state, where suicide may be a momentary wish they would later regret (if they were alive), but I know that there are situations where the quality of life can be optimistically bleak. I’d know that if I found myself in a concentration camp or became like the protagonist of Johnny Got His Gun I would wish for death.
I can even understand this wish being applied to a typical modern life, particularly when you look extensively into how the modern world works, the state of it, & the bleak future it seems destined for. When asked about it, he gives some very real, understandable, reasons that touch on this (seriously, read his post about it).
I can empathize because I have similar feelings about the world & what my future appears to be. When the future path seems devoid of true happiness, growth, & meaning, what more do you have to live for…
Which brings me back to the topic of the next post. I’ll also say that part of my uneasiness comes from how it coincides with my own recent thoughts on my existence. I have no intention of committing suicide, though I know I have my limits & part of me feels ready for an end.
P.S. Please don’t kill yourself.