November Life Update – Cutting Back

Standard

Hello, I know it’s December now but this update is about things that happened last month. Besides, I might end up doing one more update before the end of the year.

It feels like I’ve delayed this update too much so there’s a fair amount of things I want to cover & try to recall.

Quick summary for those with little time:

  • Been thinking about my dreams & if I can ethically justify them in the context of the world at large (something I’ll delve into on a separate post).
  • I’ve had two sets of random guests stay over at my flat briefly. I’ll be talking about the first pair (the second largely kept to themselves).
  • Cancelled my D&D campaign.
  • I’ve taken a different approach to my game projects, & now I’ve found myself actually sticking to a project for once (yay!).
  • I also finally got around to getting most of these questions up in front of my house.

Continue reading

Window Questions

Standard

Hello, this post stems from a random thought I had yesterday. I felt the need to put up a series of questions in front of my house. I haven’t put them up yet, but this is the list I have so far:

What is your story?

What does your life say about you & what you value?

What decides your life?

If you died now, how would you feel about your life?

Should shame, fear, hatred, & sadness be standards you live your life by?

What defines truth?

What is reality beyond your senses & the messages you have been told?

What meaning is there to find in a world where none is given?

What defines morality?

What insight can the worst of us offer that the best cannot?

What makes the outsider evil? Why must they be that way?

What perspectives have you not considered?

To what point & purpose do your thoughts & beliefs serve?

What are you ignorant of?

What purpose does ignorance serve?

Why obey rather than question?

What gives leaders their power?

What is worth destroying the world?

Why obey a system that brings more suffering then good?

When does profit become more important than anything else?

How many idiots here think?

Are these questions a bit much?

Submit your answers to our letterbox

The questions I came up with are meant to be thought provoking, with the intention of encouraging critical thinking. The last few lines are meant to be more tongue-in-cheek, though part of me would like to receive mail from random people giving their answers.

For that matter, I’d be curious to see how people reading this post would answer these questions as well. I’d also like to hear any other suggestions for thought provoking questions.

If you’re looking for some explanation, read on. Continue reading

Thoughts on Relationships: Part 3 – Identity

Standard

Hello, I said these last two parts wouldn’t be bigger than part 1 – seems I lied.


A few days ago I felt compelled to ask my cousin a question. The dialogue went something like this:

Me: “Would you say that you are someone who highly values other people?”

Cousin: “Yeah definitely.”

Me: “Why?”

He pondered this for a moment before giving his answer. His reasons were:

  1. He’s really ingrained with the people he knows.
  2. He uses social interactions as a way of learning about himself.

This last point surprised me; it’s not something I’ve considered. I’m really used to the idea of internally analyzing myself in order to discern ‘who I truly am’ since no one else is capable of giving an accurate holistic picture; only the person living my life can do that.

Yet when I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. We all have our own internal idea of who we are, but until we interact with another person, & have it challenged, that idea is just a fantasy. Other people can make us think about aspects of ourselves we have never considered.


I guess that ties back into what started this whole train of thought – I don’t like what my interactions with people have told me. The messages I tend to receive are:

  • My default instinct is to wall myself off from others.
  • People can interact with each other just fine, but they have trouble interacting with me.
  • People have a lot to offer me, but I don’t have much to offer them.
  • There’s still a lot more I need to learn & experience.
  • I’m a good diligent guy, yet I’m no fun to talk to.

Given that context, it seems understandable now why I would prefer to isolation myself sometimes, no matter how bad I may want someone with me. Guess I’m more emotional then I seem to be. Continue reading

Thoughts on Relationships: Part 2 – Conflict

Standard

Hello, I feel compelled to get these out of the way so the next parts are coming sooner then anticipated.

When I looked back at the last part today I realized something – I’m probably using difference as an excuse to not try.

There is truth in what I said, but some people do genuinely try to look past these differences. Like myself, people would rather have good relationships then bad ones, so they tend to tolerate the shortcomings of others if they feel it’s worth it.

Maybe I’m just terrible at making a good impression (if we met in person you’d probably just regard me as some silent closed-off dude who struggles with communication). Maybe I just need to acknowledge a simpler truth; that many others may share my sentiments. Maybe it’s a sign I have less tolerance then I’d like to have.

The point is I have to take some ownership of this. I have to acknowledge that how I act & think affects those around me. After all, I’m the common denominator.


So if difference is an excuse, what is the real reason then? Well, it’s quite simple – I’m still fundamentally afraid to share myself with others.

I’m still afraid to let people know who I am. I’m still afraid of people disliking true aspects of myself. I’m still afraid to be hurt.

I’m still afraid to voice an honest opinion in front of strangers & people I know will think differently. Perhaps precisely because my thoughts & opinions tend to differ from theirs, no matter how ‘correct’ I may think myself to be. Continue reading

Thoughts on Relationships: Part 1 – Difference

Standard

Hello, I have another internal ramble I need to let out. It got really long so I’m turning it into a mini series of posts.

I realize after my last upbeat post, about charging into creative projects, that this isn’t what you would expect from me so soon, but I’ve been having old thoughts return to me & I need to attend to them. I’m afraid this is one of the cons of following this blog; you get someone who has troubled times.

I guess it started when I went to see my parents in Te Anau a fortnight ago. As much as I enjoyed seeing them (plus the dogs) again, about a day later I found myself feeling troubled. I wanted to try to explain to them what was going on but my mind has a way of locking up when trying to confide in people.

On the surface, I guess I’ve grown to dislike some aspects surrounding their lifestyle (like seeing & being disgusted with TV again. I admit that was when these thoughts were more prevalent), though I want to say it ties into a deeper concern.

I think being around them again made me realize how much I’d changed since living with them. Since moving out I’ve ended up in a flat with people who are more like myself. I’ve learned more about the world & society, which has affected my own ideology. I’ve also made good strides in accepting who I am as a person.

Yet, despite how much I love them, being around them was another reminder of how I’m seemingly ‘too different’ then most people. I realize this is an over generalization, & yes this is to be expected with something as insanely diverse as humanity, but what happens when you get that sense with virtually everyone you meet? Continue reading

September Life Update – Game Time

Standard

Hello, I thought I’d end up writing about the uncertainty of my job as my contract ended yesterday, but now I have good news. For those who haven’t kept up with my work situation, or forgot, I’d advise reading July & August before reading the next part.

My boss has presented his case about the future & value of my team (& my own role) to his own boss &, from what I can tell, he has no problem with me going part-time. Now we’re just waiting for those above him to approve. This could take a while since apparently there’s a backlog of matters they must see to first.

In the meantime, he has given me a 3 month extension on a part-time basis. I haven’t received any actual paperwork for this yet, but it’s agreed between us that my standard days for the rest of this year starting next week are Tuesday, Wednesday, & Thursday; with days changing to suit the needs of the team as they arise.

So yep, it’s kinda official now – I’m no longer working full-time. Yeays!! Continue reading

August Life Update – Not Quite Yet?

Standard

Hello, I actually wrote this out in a single afternoon.

This month I’ve become more weary of working full-time & was looking forward to a change in situation, but this last week has been kinda weird for me in an oddly ironic way.

My contract was set to end this coming week & it occurred to me that I hadn’t taken any leave since April. I’d asked about the leave I’d accumulated & was advised to simply sit on it for now. The policy is I’d be paid out for any annual leave I haven’t taken, but this wasn’t the case for sick leave. I’d been advised to simply use it since I hadn’t actually taken any sick days. My plan was to use it to make this current weekend extra long & go visit my parents + dogs in Te Anau again.

Well, this past week my body decided now was the time of the year to be sick. Continue reading