Existential Recurrence & Purpose


This is a post I’ve rewritten over and over again. I’ve thought about making this shorter but I feel the length is necessary for understanding this.

This post serves two purposes for me:

  1. As a complete record of the process, thus this is going to be a long & thorough post (perhaps the longest single post I’ve written).
  2. As a self reminder for reasons I’ll explain at the end.

In keeping with this theme I’ll be referencing things I’ve written about before, so I can understand if you want to skip this. I’m sick of this recurring as well.

First off, something I forgot to add to an earlier post which also applies here.

The wish for death can be exacerbated by a long accumulation of painful moments, memories & associations where all viable alternatives have failed. This tiring slog can be made more hopeless when you are unable to properly communicate the suffering to another caring soul. Even when you can, no amount of understanding with the wrong people can truly solve such predicaments. The process may even lead to self alienation.

It can be caused by their inability to find a compelling solution to their existential horror, or their own cyclic frame of thinking. Sometimes it’s both. It’s hard to consolidate the later when you’re stuck with the first.

My life has lost clarity.

I’ve become too painfully aware of my own recurring actions & results, all of which have seemingly lead to stagnation. I don’t know what alternative action to take, & to continue as I have is just insanity. It’s broken me.

I stopped because there was no point to it – only to dive deep into a marginally different recurrence.

See, I know that being disciplined about my wishes & balancing my needs are key to living a good life, but why should I? Why should I affirm my life & continue through guaranteed suffering? To what point & purpose am I living for? Continue reading

Back From Tauranga (with little time)


Hello, I’m back home after having spent much of the week in Tauranga on a business trip. I don’t want to spend too long on doing a post this weekend as my time-frame for sorting out next year’s flat & whatnot is shorter than expected. So I’m just going to rant a bit about the trip, what I liked & didn’t like.

I liked travelling. I liked seeing the clouds from above. I liked going to a new city I’d never been to before (even if it was surprisingly packed with people & had way too many roundabouts). I liked that the business forum took place at an aircraft museum. I liked staying in my own motel room. I even enjoyed waiting an hour alone in an airport for the next part of my flight.

I liked the trip, but not the business side. Every morning I had to be up & ready by 7am to be taken out for breakfast then onto work. The days would end with a social-work dinner type thing, which I kinda stayed mostly silent for. Aside from that, I sat in for one afternoon of the meeting/forum where the power station team leaders discussed business decisions back & forth (in my case about the system my team is working on). I was mostly there to show that my role was to make things easier on them, not to complicate things. Continue reading