Hello, feels like it’s been too long since I did a post, though I didn’t want to write one until I returned to a better head space. There were also err… “plumbing issues” this week but I don’t think anyone wants to hear about that :/.
I essentially spent the bulk of May having a bit of an existential crisis & I lost hope in my own future. I knew what I wanted, but also didn’t really know (does that makes sense?). I knew what I didn’t want in my life & the world around me, but I had no idea what to do about it. I was feeling confused, muddled, aggravated, trapped, lost, hopeless, & helpless. I doubted everything & got further aggravated as no good solution would come to mind.
The main reason for all of this is because I believed I only had two paths forward in life:
- I do nothing, just let my temp job expire, go back to being on the benefit, &… nothing happens.
- I get an IT job doing something I don’t like, become more ingrained in the machine, & become miserable in the business world; a world I loath. The “smart” path that secures me financially but also seemingly secures my despair.
I just needed an alternative path, & I think I needed someone to tell me I didn’t have to take either of these paths (thanks mum).
Part of the problem was also not having a plan, not working towards what I want, & losing sight of what I really wanted. When I think about it, what I want is to:
- Be true to myself, my values, & other people
- Bring ideas to life
- Experience what people create (well, the quality things)
- Help people & the world towards a better future
- Find my niche
- Find love
- Create games & experiences, & share them with people
- Return to lucid dreaming
- Have a good life
I’ll need to figure out a way to remind myself of these daily. I don’t have any great plans towards these yet, but for now I’m just going to take baby steps:
- Booked myself to see a naturopath about some recurring health issues + figure out what a healthy lifestyle for me actually is.
- Try to go to the next local game developers meet up & get some help.
- Eventually get myself to sign-up to an indie game dev website & introduce myself to a community.
- Eventually get myself to use something like Omegle & get comfortable talking to strangers.
- I have a “dungeon delving” game concept in my head centered on a single deck of cards I want to try out.
- Mum suggested I could do a Certificate in Applied Arts at the Southern Institute of Technology; no tuition costs if I pass. It would mean moving to Invercargill but it sounds like a fun idea to do an arts course (would love to focus on digital art, particularly pixel).
I am still somewhat lost on what to do with life but now I have options to look into. In addition, there’s a topic relating to the crisis that I want to make a post about.