Late May Update – Searching for a Path


Hello, feels like it’s been too long since I did a post, though I didn’t want to write one until I returned to a better head space. There were also err… “plumbing issues” this week but I don’t think anyone wants to hear about that :/.

I essentially spent the bulk of May having a bit of an existential crisis & I lost hope in my own future. I knew what I wanted, but also didn’t really know (does that makes sense?). I knew what I didn’t want in my life & the world around me, but I had no idea what to do about it. I was feeling confused, muddled, aggravated, trapped, lost, hopeless, & helpless. I doubted everything & got further aggravated as no good solution would come to mind.

The main reason for all of this is because I believed I only had two paths forward in life:

  • I do nothing, just let my temp job expire, go back to being on the benefit, &… nothing happens.
  • I get an IT job doing something I don’t like, become more ingrained in the machine, & become miserable in the business world; a world I loath. The “smart” path that secures me financially but also seemingly secures my despair.

I just needed an alternative path, & I think I needed someone to tell me I didn’t have to take either of these paths (thanks mum).

Part of the problem was also not having a plan, not working towards what I want, & losing sight of what I really wanted. When I think about it, what I want is to:

  • Be true to myself, my values, & other people
  • Bring ideas to life
  • Experience what people create (well, the quality things)
  • Help people & the world towards a better future
  • Find my niche
  • Find love
  • Create games & experiences, & share them with people
  • Return to lucid dreaming
  • Have a good life

I’ll need to figure out a way to remind myself of these daily. I don’t have any great plans towards these yet, but for now I’m just going to take baby steps:

  • Booked myself to see a naturopath about some recurring health issues + figure out what a healthy lifestyle for me actually is.
  • Try to go to the next local game developers meet up & get some help.
  • Eventually get myself to sign-up to an indie game dev website & introduce myself to a community.
  • Eventually get myself to use something like Omegle & get comfortable talking to strangers.
  • I have a “dungeon delving” game concept in my head centered on a single deck of cards I want to try out.
  • Mum suggested I could do a Certificate in Applied Arts at the Southern Institute of Technology; no tuition costs if I pass. It would mean moving to Invercargill but it sounds like a fun idea to do an arts course (would love to focus on digital art, particularly pixel).

I am still somewhat lost on what to do with life but now I have options to look into. In addition, there’s a topic relating to the crisis that I want to make a post about.


One thought on “Late May Update – Searching for a Path

  1. The Twentysomething Social Recluse

    You’re right, there are more than two paths and you have options. I hope you find a path that fulfils you 🙂

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