I’ve been taking some time to consider the kind of thoughts & moods that guide me in my day to day actions. This is because I can’t help but notice how often I do things that aren’t what I truly want to do, yet I continue to do them. I know I’m not unique in being this way; it seems almost everyone I know does this to some degree.
After giving it some thought I realized there are about three broad drives that my wants stem from.
By the way, these are just drives I notice in myself. I can’t say that these are the things that drive most people, though I can see them being applied that way. I also imagine there are drives I haven’t accounted for in this post.
Let’s start with what I’ll call the Idealist – the side whose goals pertain to my long term & logical wants whilst holding to my own values. The side that wants to create things, find awesome like-minded people, achieve my ambitions, & ascend myself as far as I can. If I deny this my life lacks a sense of meaning & progress (it seems to be the easiest side to neglect unfortunately).
Then there’s the second side, I’ll call it the Realist. It’s viewpoint – this is the world I live in, this is my life, & this is what I must do to survive it. It’s the side that prioritizes survival, stability, & security. It’s the side that says: I must buy food so I can eat, I must do paid work to have money for bills & food, I must go to bed at this time & sleep for eight hours so I’m rested for work, etc. If I deny this the quality of my life suffers, & if I deny it completely I die. It’s probably the side I spend the majority of my time catering for.
This clashes a bit with the Idealist because it doesn’t want to be held back by physical limitations; the Idealist wants to manipulate the boundaries not be defined by them.
But there’s also another reason – if I’ll be frankly honest, I don’t like this world. When I say this I don’t mean I hate planet Earth or (most) people, I just don’t like the state the world has reached. Societies & politics driven by ego & materialism, poverty & starvation still going on in Africa (apparently a problem the world is capable of fixing with little loss), the TPPA & government surveillance, authoritarian racism, industrialization that willingly destroys & poisons the biosphere; I have a long list. The Realist accepts this as the reality of human nature whilst the Idealist wants to tear it all down.
I can’t help but be cynical towards a world seemingly run by selfish idiots who don’t give a fuck. I can’t help but feel disappointed in a world that doesn’t need to be this way. Then again it may be because of this next aspect.
I’ll call it the Sybarite – the side that wants to feel good – right now. This side wants to take things easy, binge on games & media, get intoxicated, pig out on icecream & chocolate, & so much more. It is greedy, it delights in spontaneity & distractions, & takes a guilty pleasure in defying everything; it is for these reasons that it clashes with the Idealist & Realist. In the words of MC Ride, “I am the beast the worship”. If I deny this side my life becomes too serious, rigid, & a real grind; as bad as the above may seem its what makes me feel alive & free.
As much as I only want to be the Idealist I acknowledge all of these sides are important. I know I need to set time aside for all of them so I may live a healthy life, but it can still be a problem. As much as I try to balance all three, I keep finding one aspect will cry for more attention. I don’t think it’s impossible to sate them all, even if they do seem to go against each other, but the Realist likes to remind me that life often gets in the way.
Based on how I’ve been over the past while it would seem I’ve been prioritizing the Realist & Sybarite over the Idealist. I feel this is due more to a lack of self discipline on my part. Fortunately the Idealist in me seems to have returned with a vengeance. I’ve been opening up Unity & Visual Studio as soon as I start my laptop so I’ve been doing some actual coding now. Also with my personal obligation to post something weekly fulfilled I can use my three day weekend (yay!) to work in earnest, assuming my other drives behave.