Hello, I got a couple of things I want to talk about.
Since I started working towards changing my mind to be more confident, my mind has been more chaotic than usual. I’m not entirely sure what’s been going on but the end results are looking good.
At first it seemed my mind was resisting. My fear/anxious thoughts were more apparent then usual, but simply taking a moment to fourth-wall myself would take me out of it. I even had the odd heartsick moment. With time my emotions plateaued to a calm assuredness; though I’m also more day dreamy than usual. Maybe I’m just getting more in touch with my emotional side. I’m generally pretty tame with my emotions.
This has kind of reflected in my stuttering. Whenever I felt vaguely unsettled I would stutter, I would realize this & start feeling more unsettled; probably because I’m now acknowledging how bad it really is for me instead of just accepting it as something that happens. On the flip-side, the feeling of calm assuredness has majorly reduced my stuttering. The severity has at least halved in the past fortnight. I know stress & anxiety are major factors that influence stuttering, but I didn’t realize it was to this degree. Perhaps attaining badass levels of confidence will get rid of it entirely :).
I have also found myself having more egotistical thoughts. I’ve always been wary of calling myself awesome or ‘the man’ because I’ve always linked these kind of thoughts to arrogance; which turns people into ass-holes. Now I’m realizing that they’re really not that bad. So long as you keep them grounded in reality, have good intentions, are mindful of your own thoughts & can acknowledge the awesomeness of other people, thinking about your awesome qualities can make life feel simpler & better.
I guess this process of change & resistance is actually a good thing. It’s just my mind getting used to the thoughts I want to have.
The other major thing is game dev stuff.
I’ve been thinking about my RM Hack’n Slash & how sick I am of being stuck just trying to get the most basic of statistics balanced. Personally its something I don’t like doing. I knew that balancing a JRPG would be difficult, but with so many different variables I can’t even tell if my changes are really doing anything. I’m sure there are graphs & techniques that professional RPG designers use to make this simpler but I don’t know what they are. Also, I last did playtesting on this about two weeks ago so my mental notes about it are gone (lesson learned, write down everything).
I feel this is a bit beyond me at the moment. I don’t want to give up on it like I have with previous projects so I’m not sure what I should do.
It seems my options are to:
- Just plough ahead with what I got, making tweaks as I go. I know, not the way you want to go for a well designed game but I hate being stuck on something when I can do other things.
- Shelve it for now & do something simpler. I will return to it (I promise myself I won’t abandon any more projects) but not till I feel I have a better grasp of forming RPG statistics. It might also just be good to do something different. (I’m tempted to choose this option.)
I’d like to hear what others think about this.
Side note: My brother also recently told me he wanted to collaborate with me on a game project. He works as an audio engineer so hurray for sound effects & possibly music. Kinda bad timing though since I’m focusing more on the mind changing thing at the moment; I feel kinda bad about that.
Ora, if you’re reading this, please don’t give up on this. I just need to get my head sorted but I’m still keen to talk about ideas :).
That’s all from me. I will have that other confidence technique posted, I just don’t want to post it till I’ve tried it myself.