Thoughts on Myself – Aspirations


Hello, this is going to be a very personal post (also I just realized this is my 100th post published. I seriously wasn’t planning on having it be about this; oh well).

Lately I’ve been doing some serious thinking about my life & what I want to achieve. Specifically, I’m a dude who wants to make games for a living & do it well. I want to create a variety of high quality games & stories, invent entire worlds for people to explore & play around in, have my own style that differs from the norm, & have my work get people thinking (I regard this last point as a trait of excellent art). I have some tough ambitions.

I’ve been taking a look at the person I am & asking “can I honestly do this?” I think I can (there’s no question that it is possible for me to accomplish them) but not as the person I am right now. There are some crucial attributes getting in the way, & its time I start changing this.

Let me explain. Many months ago, towards the beginning of the year, I overcame my self negativity. I did this with the help of a book by Paul McKenna, “Change Your Life in Seven Days” (by the way it took me much longer than seven days to do it properly), & the self-hypnosis CD included.

I’m happy to say that my self-views has steadily grown more positive since then, but I’m finding this may just be the first step. I thought this self-positivity would fully eradicate my negative beliefs, but I still retain some ‘mental side-effects’; & now I’m discovering beliefs that may have first birthed my negativity. These beLIEfs are all about how I view myself in relation to other people.

I’ve brought up before that I’m a major introvert. I do socialize & hang out with my friends but I’m generally wary of strangers & I typically don’t speak unless spoken to. I do enjoy being the type that listens before speaking but there are times where I want to converse but I literally can not think of anything at all to say.

Part of this is due to living with a stutter. I’ve tried to not let this define or control me, but it truly does bother me (to put it lightly, its the most aggravating fucker on the planet). I want it gone, its only hindering my life.

I decided I’d try to ‘map my psyche’. Basically I’d write down a trait of myself & logically link it to some other trait, e.g. “need for escape” leads to “love of fantasy” or “fear of failure” leads to “perfectionism”.

My original thinking when I started was “no one is interested in me”. What I mean by that is people are more interested in what I can give them or what I can do for them; they don’t come to see me for me. Thinking this way has lead me to not even try to hold a conversation.

But that’s a lie isn’t it? When I dig deeper into this the answer becomes simpler & more fundamental.

Fear. I am afraid. I don’t regard myself as a fearful person but it seems to be the common trait of all my problems.

I’m afraid to be heard because I stutter (hell, this entire paragraph is probably the reason why I stutter). I’m afraid to meet new people because I don’t think they’ll accept me. I’m afraid to be known because I feel I’m an easy target. Because what I say &/or how I say it is easy to criticise, make fun off, or can even offend the people I care about. Ultimately, all of my less desirable traits stem from the fear that I will hurt someone &/or they will hurt me.

I can’t just let this fear rule my life. I overcome this & I’m free – well, unless there’s a deeper gem I haven’t discovered.

I know I can change my mind, I’ve done it before & the benefits have stuck so far. I have another book from Paul McKenna that can help me, “Instant Confidence”, & I’m going to take the time to properly do it just like before.

Even if this doesn’t radically change my mindset there are already aspects about me that work in my favour:

  • I love games, I love what they are capable of doing, & I think there is more potential to be had with games than what we have seen so far.
  • I have a genuine interest in how they are made & have looked into how to make them.
  • I’m a creative person with a lot of imagination (so I’ve been told).
  • Evidently I’m a determined self-reflective person so its not like I’m going to just stop here if things don’t work.
  • Lastly, my personal philosophy is why live a life you don’t want to live. If we are to only exist for a passing moment why not spend that time doing what you really want to do. You can’t just let that moment waste away because that moment is your whole world & it’s all you have (I have an urge to ramble further but I must resist).

So what does this mean for the blog. I’ll still keep on working on game projects but progress will be slower than it already is. I’m probably going to be sharing a technique or two from the book over the next few posts as well (I already have one in mind). You’ll just have to bear with me doing this for a while, its for the best.


2 thoughts on “Thoughts on Myself – Aspirations

  1. Chris Lam

    I went through a period some time back where I believed people only saw me as entertainment. Every relationship felt like it’d arisen through superficial exchanges, with no deeper meaning beyond the pantomime of play.
    I became a recluse, and felt myself disconnect from all my friends. This seemed to prove my hypothesis, but it was really just a self-fulfilling prophecy. Course they didn’t know how to react, all we’d ever had was a superficial connection. It was in my power to try and deepen our relationships, but instead I saw the root of the problem in them.
    I think people develop shallow relationships with one another because it’s so much easier to talk and joke about nothing in particular, than to take a stance on social issues, think critically about culture, or share the deeper feelings that settle too often into the recesses of our hearts.
    I think most friends, probably even acquaintances, do care on a deeper level. It’s just hard for them to express such considerations once the surface relationship has solidified.
    Anyway, I’m not sure where I was going with this, but we should hang and talk about depressing philosophy some time.

    • Sure thing dude, I’m only really free on the weekends though. We should probably talk about this more on facebook.

      Also your ramble, I think I get what you’re going at. I have the feeling there’s more truth to this than people realize. I’m arguably still in the shut-in stage myself :P.

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