I’ve found myself derailing lately, in the sense that I’ve been wanting to avoid job hunting, avoid working on projects, & just binge on games, anime, & Game of Thrones (I’ve already watched all four seasons but I figured I’d watch them all again because, fuck it, why not). Waking up in the afternoon for the past few days hasn’t helped either. I guess this is a sign I’m getting sick of things, again.
So, I decided to revisit a post I’ve had in draft form for a while now – my incomplete jumbled thoughts on a “life plan”. Frankly, I feel I’ve been avoiding this, but at the same time I’m not sure what else to say about it. It’s a very long ramble as it is so I might as well it post it anyway. I guess I’ll think on this later.
During my last year at Otago Polytech, on the night we showcased our projects on the second last week, a representative from the Polytech asked me what my 5 year plan was – I couldn’t really give her a proper answer. All I’ve really had for a life plan for the past year is:
- Before moving on with my life, overcome my negative ego & beliefs.
- Get an IT job in another city & see what happens next.
- Make games until, some how some day, I find/assemble a team & find/form a game development studio where we make bigger & better games of our own.
- In the meantime:
- Develop my game development skills.
- Develop my writing & storytelling skills.
- Get better at lucid dreaming.
- Regain the social ease I’ve lost from childhood.
Before I go on, I feel I need to explain a point from above (I believe I’ve already brought up #1 in an earlier post so I’ll skip that one).
The “IT job in another city” has, in some ways, felt more like an obligation than something I want to do.
Let me explain. I would like to see new places. I do feel that my “destiny” (for lack of a better term) is beyond Dunedin, especially now that I’m done with school & study, & that much of my family & friends have moved on to other things &/or left the city. Hell, despite my social awkwardness, I’d love to meet new awesome people that don’t live here. Also, as someone who wants to make games, I am, technically, looking to do something in IT.
Despite all that, I still feel abrasive about it:
- I honestly don’t have much of an interest in IT jobs outside of making games. In fact, if the typical work load for an IT job is similar to what I had during Polytech, my life will consist of nothing but stress where I spend all of my time working just to keep my job. I’ve lived like that during Polytech & I don’t want to live that way ever again.
Also I have a nagging feeling that even if I get an IT job where deadlines are fairly lax I would still stress out. Perhaps this is a by product of doing course work but, whenever I’m issued with “complete by X, else consequences” I feel I need to get it done RIGHT NOW else I’m screwed. It may also be because I’m a bit of a perfectionist who wants everything I do to be good, not mediocre, & constantly working on it is the only way to do that. If I am to find myself in that situation again (which is very very likely), I’d rather be doing something I love doing.
- My understanding is that jobs in game development are harder to get than in other IT positions & the games industry in New Zealand is still small, but steadily growing. I am very much in the realization that whatever job I leave Dunedin for will have nothing to do with games & likely won’t be very creative.
- The indie movement has made me realize that it’s possible to make a living from making games without joining an existing company. It takes a great deal of dedication to pull it off but it’s still a possibility I wish to achieve.
- I guess the more fundamental one is, this is going to be the biggest change of my life so far – & I don’t want to fuck it up. I don’t even know how to prepare for such a move. I know I’m not in an ideal situation where I am but at least there are some good things here. In a way, I’d just like to have a sample of what life would be like if I lived in X before blindly moving to X, but I’m not sure how to do that.
In short, I’d like to move to a new place but I don’t want to get trapped in a bad situation.
Back to thinking about a life plan. I feel I need to change & expand it into something more concrete but I’m not sure what. I guess the first step is to ask: what are my fundamental values & what are the fundamental things I want from my life? After thinking on these questions for a bit, here’s my list:
- Love & Happiness
- Thought, Knowledge, & Understanding
- To discover the unknown
- To help others with their own lives
From there, it’s easy to say that I want a life where:
- I bring my ideas to life
- I discover & learn new things
- I have few restrictions
- I help people in some fundamental way, or at least get them to help themselves
Is there anything from the make-shift plan above I need to change? I don’t know. I keep thinking, & thinking, & thinking, & thinking… but I’m stuck.
The thing that’s always been at the forefront of my mind is bringing my ideas to life, & it’s something I love trying to do. But that can’t be the only thing I do with my life; I’m a human being not a machine (probably the reason why most of us enjoy procrastinating). I want to do things outside of that but I’m not sure what.
Recently the idea of seeing the world has become appealing. Might do the backpacking thing if I start doing a high wage job. Own a house? Sure. Get married? If I ever get remotely close to that stage, maybe, depends on how ‘she’ feels about it. Have children & be a father? When I get older & have a more stable life – yeah; again it depends on ‘her’. These aren’t really the kind of things I spend my time thinking about, they just seem like “givens” to me. In relation to #1 from above, I suppose it’s also because I don’t see myself reaching these points – yet.
Anyway, I’ve rambled for far too long. If you’ve made it this far you deserve a cookie or a beer; whatever treat you prefer.