I truly don’t know


I’m not sure what this post is about. I think I just needed somewhere to vent some things.

There has been a lot of things floating around in my mind for the past week. Some are new & others haven’t been as prominent as they were before. What areas can I find jobs at, what projects & ideas do I work on, what can I do to make myself more productive, what do I want to do with my life & what is my life plan, etc. I’ve been thinking about & wanting to say too many things. They start to mesh together & I lose track of what I’m trying to think of or say.

Ultimately, I realize I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. Seems to be a recurring theme for me.

This is my first week after leaving my night-fill position & my weekly routine has been in shambles. It feels great to consistently wake up to daylight & sleep in complete darkness but having no job has put me out of sync. It’s forced me to think about what I do each day. I’ve been keeping myself busy by planning projects, thinking about what to try & doing some of them (like meditation & a form of time keeping). I’ve also had the odd day where my cousin invited me to a couple of his things (they haven’t helped me figure out what to do each week but they have helped me in other ways).

So now that I’ve left work, what’s next? My only plans are:

  1. Next week I’m going to Te Anau, just after my birthday, to stay with my parents during the Labour weekend period. I may have photos of picturesque Te Anau & 3 rascal dogs to upload in the next couple weeks.
  2. Stay in Dunedin for as long as I can or until I know I’ll be okay living in another city.
  3. Try & make things better for myself.

Should I be looking for a job? Yes, if I want to stay where I am I’ll need some kind of income to do that.

Should I be working on my projects? I do enjoy doing them, even if it feels like they’re not going anywhere. It is the kind of stuff I want to do for a living so yes.

But I feel there is something more prominent I should be focusing on. Something more fundamental. Something that the whole world seems to be blind to or takes for granted.

People. Something with other people.

I just want to stop doing things by myself. I want to stop being around the periphery of other people’s lives & start being an active part of them. But I don’t know how to, or I do but I can’t get myself to do it for whatever reason I come up with.

Ugh. I just want to stop. Stop thinking. Stop doing.

I feel I need to share something personal. Something that explains a lot of what I do.

Here’s the simple version. For at least the past five years I’ve developed beliefs about myself that have caused me to socially & spiritually decay. Beliefs like, “I have no place or worth in the world”, “I am a source of pain, nothing more”, & “for the betterment of mankind, I shouldn’t exist”. In short, lies. Lies that serve no benefit to anyone or anything, & yet I still subconsciously believe them (is that why all forms of the word “belief” use the words “be” & “lie” – being a lie?).

These lies caused me to, at one point, try to shut down as a human being (stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life). They caused me to lose contact with almost everyone I considered a friend (these friendships I feel are now gone forever) & it stopped me from trying to make any new ones. I can remember when I was a child, making friends was easy, but now that ease is gone.

Its the main reason why I still stay in Dunedin. I stay because I know the lies will sabotage me in whatever place I go to. I stay because, at least here, there are a few people who care for my well being, even if they’re busy with their own lives.

Hell, it’s probably the thing that triggered me to quit my job. Around the time I chose to quit, my mind went to a dark place. It said, if I don’t get some promise of things changing soon I will destroy your life. I’ve never encountered this before. It made me worry that, if I forced myself to do the “smart” thing & stay, I would do something stupid, & possibly destructive, that would get me fired at best.

I have to get rid of these lies or I will spend my life actively turning them into truth & decay into oblivion.

So yeah, the human brain, can be an asshole sometimes. I’ll probably have something about projects soon if I can get myself out of this existential funk. In the meantime, I’m going to go meditate, play games, watch anime, or donate my brain to a poverty stricken zombie family.


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